Ducks Cross The Delaware

Breaking: Ducks Cross Icy Delaware River Waters

Trenton, NJ – Six ducks were seen crossing the Delaware River at Titusville early this morning, as a Christmas nor’easter continued to dump heavy rains on the region. The lone female was accompanied by five male ducks, reportedly not her brothers. Flocks of geese also were seen flying overhead.

The Times sent a team of investigative reporters and artists to monitor duck developments and bring you exclusive coverage of this breaking news story (enjoy our exclusive illustrations!)

Religious leaders complained that publication of the illustrations would send the wrong message to young women about multiple sex partners and sex outside of marriage.

Government officials also opposed publication on the grounds that the ducks’ locations would compromise national security and be used by colonial insurgents as a recruitment tool.

Although no ducks were seen in the river by Trenton, Times reporters that are embedded with British Troops in Trenton Barracks also contributed to this Report.

According to British officials in Trenton, troops have joined with Hessian coalition forces to celebrate Christmas. They continue to work effectively together in the joint “surge” strategy announced early last year by King George.

The “surge” has tamped down insurgent forces, leading to greater security throughout the colonies.

Meanwhile, scientists at the College of NJ at Princeton warned that the rains could destroy vulnerable British forts and troop locations throughout the entire northeastern colonies. Such destruction would only work to build insurgent momentum, they say. Global raining models support their argument, they say.

Scientists noted that rainfall was the highest in a decade and that their calculations showed rainfall would increase. As rainfall continues to run off the ducks backs and feed floodwaters, this ultimately will devastate colonial military infrastructure, they claim.

Scientists’ models predict a humiliating defeat by insurgent colonists, whose momentum, military prowess, and support among flood victims and colonists are building.

The predicted destruction of British forces is caused by increasing rainfall levels, which fuel insurgents and lift the tide of the insurgency scientists conclude.

“We are witnessing a colonial catastrophy that will lead to complete imperial collapse in North America – the surge is a failure and the King and his military leaders are incompetent hacks”, warned Dr. Bill Wolfe.

Note for Dave Pringle – Major John Andre. A so called Princeton Grad like you is well versed in this history. Do the Wiki if you forgot.

Wolfe is an expert in global raining and insurgency and a frequent critic of government policy.

Wolfe claimed that his calculations projected that British control would be washed away and replaced by insurgents, who would establish a new North American government power that would dominate world affairs for the next 250 years, before collapsing from imperial over-reach, wars, greed, corporate control, and apathy sometime around 2000.

But the scientists views were scoffed at by the King’s spokesmen and high level British military and diplomatic officials, who requested to remain annonymous.

“The King’s surge in Trenton and throughout the colonies is working, particularly in the northeast colonies. The formation of our Hessian coalition and expanded security training of Hessian forces has shown great results“, a high level diplomatic source said.

“Our diplomatic and military counterinsurgency strategy has turned the corner and neutralized colonial insurgents. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and British prestige will be maintained” said British military leader, General Betray-Us.

“The King’s efforts are protecting the British homeland and are the glory of an expanding empire” concluded a high level King’s official.

Last week the King himself  joked that the theory of global raining and the alleged power of  colonial insurgents is a total myth, with absolutely no supporting evidence. The King summarily dismissed the consensus view of scientists as “a big lie crafted by left wing insurgent propagandists, like Tom Paine.”

Dave Pringle of the NJ Environmental Federation agreed with the King’s controvesial remarks.

“The King was speaking off the cuff” Pringle said. “King George’s leadership has created a model of military effectivenesss. I have commitments from the King’s Administration that British interests will be protected in the colonies.”

Pringle concluded that “We look forward to continue to work with the King and his officials in keeping Britain safe from insurgent forces.”

(see illustrations of river conditions below)

A more graphic depiction of the fate of the good Major Andre.